Spaghetti Nerves

My nerves were unusually unsettled tonight as I was driving to my farewell party. I can talk in front of crowds in a seminar or retreat with no hint of anxiety, but this intimate gathering of my peers that have watched my life change over the past 9 years, that made my nerves of steel look more like a pile of spaghetti. I wasn’t nervous about the dinner itself, I was nervous about what the dinner represents … walking away from self-made security into the complete dependance on God. It’s not that God hasn’t been the focus for a long time because He has been. But the deeper that relationship goes, the less of the “old” is left. Tonight, that door I have kept propped open with my foot closed quietly.

There were laughs to be had, and a few stories to be told. I watched these people that I have worked so closely with, and I was saddened about the change. I know so many details about each of their lives, just as they know about mine. At some point in each relationship there has been moments of happiness and sadness, moments of pride and frustration, moments of mourning and rejoicing. We have cried together, laughed together and prayed together. I didn’t see just people that I did my 9-5 next to, I saw the changes that have taken place for each of them, and my moving forward will inevitably change the amount of details I will know from this point forward.

At the same time, I was reflecting on the amazing journey that I have taken in the past 9 years. I started there as a young mother in my late 20’s. Along the way I gave birth to twins that were 2 months premature, received a devastating diagnosis of my husband, had a shattered marriage, rebuilt life and ultimately a call to ministry. The path that was before me when I walked into that new position so many years ago was unpredictable. I come out the other side as a stronger woman and a faith that I never imagined was possible.

As the owner shared a few words about my time at the company, he mentioned that the thing everyone would say about me that had the most impact was my faith in Jesus Christ. There are many accomplishments that I know I had while at the company … expanded services, new clients, presentations, website, etc. All of those things look great on my resume. But to be told that my faith has made an impact on those who were such a large part of my life for years … I can’t even express how much that meant to me. I’m difficult to work with at times, ask anyone who has ever worked with me. Somehow, through all of life’s circumstances, God has been what shined brighter through me in spite of the muddy exterior that I often have. I am not, and have not, been worthy of that light, but I do give thanks to my God for the blessing of His presence in and through me. Thanks be to God!

“For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.”  – 2 Corinthians 4:5-6

So, as one door has closed, the next is opening before me. I’m not afraid. I walk forward with excitement and anticipation of the heights, depths and ultimate growth that are in the next part of my journey.

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