Why do I have to be such an emotional woman? Seriously! I can cry as easily as I can lose control of my bladder when sneezing. And to be honest, I’m not sure which one is more embarrassing! I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad. I have no control of when it will hit. This is possibly an early warning sign of menopause, at least I can hope. And no, before anyone thinks of starting a cursed rumor, I’m not pregnant. In every part of my life, I put forth the effort to remain consistent so that what you see is what you get. There are the sides of me that are good, and the sides that are really not so good.
Scott and I received a compliment last night from someone we respect. It was a kind word that soothed my insecurity, and gave me the encouragement I needed. I didn’t even realize how much I needed to hear that someone was rooting for us. Not in a way that was planting the seed of doubt because pity or judgement was woven in, but in a way that let me know our commitment to God and the determination to walk in faith was not unnoticed and it was not in vain. Take the encouragement when you get it, because you never know what’s around the corner.
There was a stark difference today in what I received from someone else. Today, there was anger, indifference and accusation. Not because the person I was talking to doesn’t know me, but because I was only allowing them to see part of me. I get spooked easily when I need to open up about my current struggles. Sure, it’s OK when I’m writing it because I’m not engaging with anyone other than God. And, I have no problem when it’s about something that happened yesterday, because I have already taken my lesson from it. It’s a whole different experience when it’s raw, in the moment and unresolved. I have some scarring from being that open in the past, and just like any other wound that has healed, we tend to be more protective of those areas.
So, I have learned that fear in me looks like arrogance to others. An intention to be helpful comes across as condescending. As the conversation unfolded, the more I attempted to plead my case and offer up my point of view, the more I came across as a Negative Nelly. So, I kept shutting my mouth and I kept praying right in the middle of the conversation. Not because I was right, but because I needed to be able to receive someone else’s truth.
Our discussion took a turn when blurted out my current struggles. I felt weak, and even speaking about what was going on in my life felt like I was asking for pity. I’m not enough, and as soon as I confessed that, the shroud that had been placed over my actions and reactions was removed, and what had been viewed as arrogance was seen for what it really was … fear and shame. I carry shame when I’m not enough. I know in my head that I’m absolutely nothing without Christ, and I know that it rains on the just and the unjust. I know the right answer in my head, but it hasn’t sunk down into my heart in every situation.
As the conversation continued, the tone changed. I’m grateful that God compelled me to ask for that conversation even though I wanted to run from it. I’m learning that the quicker I am obedient to what He directs me to do, the quicker I am able to get through the lessons. I need to keep experiencing that to strengthen my faith. I pray that instead of running from instruction, that I run toward it. I pray I would not hide from myself my own motives, and that as I grow in love, I will grow in truth. My testimony is nothing without being shared. Lord, open my mouth and help me to always speak truth … especially when it hurts.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.” – Galatians 6:2-6