I have worked 14 hours today and saw my family for 1 hour (and not consecutively), and now I’m too frustrated to sleep. If I could say everything got accomplished I would at least have a sense of relief. But there is still a notably large pile on the “to-do” list that will promptly meet me first thing in the morning; and will probably invade my dreams tonight. I’m grateful for the work. I’m grateful for an income. Put that aside, and I’m left with an extremely worn out mind and body that desperately misses my family. I feel defeated.
Unfortunately, today isn’t much different than most every other day. This pace has been going for over a year, but has really increased in the past 9 months. I started to pull back from responsibilities a few months ago, but it seems like as soon as I remove one responsibility from my schedule two more take it’s place. Seriously, I am feeling like I could crack any moment. Thankfully I’m purging my ill thoughts in a controlled manner instead of vehemently tongue lashing an innocent passer-by.
The feeling I have with life right now is that I’m on a merry-go-round at the park. It keeps spinning faster and faster, and I’m holding on for dear life. I know that if I let go it will result in a tremendous amount of damage from being thrown. So I hold on. Faster and faster it’s spinning. I’m feeling disoriented, not sure which way is up or down. The safest way off is to jump on my own terms. I’m trying to look around and figure out when is the best time to jump so that I cause the least amount of damage, but it’s going so fast that the blur I see doesn’t offer substantial guidance. I know that I need to just jump, but I’m afraid.
I’m struggling; still; with the sense of responsibility that I have to be the one to take care of everything. I know in my head that it is God’s desire to care for me if I let Him. My heart hasn’t quite got the message ingrained yet.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” – Matthew 6:25-27
I am becoming aware of the unintended consequences of the busyness. I am feeling separated from those around me … even those that I see frequently seem to be distant. I can’t tell if it’s simply a paranoia I am experiencing or if it is being perceptive. Either way it’s not good. I’m being separated from the flock while surrounded by them. Maybe I’m just hormonal. I so wish a kick in my estrogen would be the answer! Now, back to reality … under protest … with a smidgen of crying … and some throwing myself on the floor in a fit.
I was advised earlier today that I should vent my frustrations, and that it is not a reflection of weakness or my not being enough. Quite frankly, that made me uncomfortable to even hear. I have such high expectations of myself that I have no where to go but spiral downward as I am unable to meet my responsibilities; and yes, some of them are self-imposed. Unfortunately, the duties that are self-imposed give me a sense of purpose, and they are the ones that are the first casualties in my overbooked calendar. Basically, my family and ministry keep getting the shaft so that I can keep on working insane hours so that we can still not have enough to meet our financial obligations. Why oh why does the job market seem to have a vendetta against my husband??????
Scott work’s too, and isn’t too proud to take whatever is available. On a side note, that is tremendous growth. There was a time that certain jobs would have been “unacceptable” to him. Now, he will do whatever has to be done in order to provide for us. Unfortunately there isn’t much out there to find, and what he does have isn’t consistent. Just typing all of this is making me want to take a vacation from life! Scratch that, vacations are currently an irresponsible allocation of funds. Again, I come back to reality … under protest … with a smidgen of crying … and some throwing myself on the floor in a fit.
I know there is a lesson in all of this; although I don’t see it right now. Reality around me seems blurry … I need to jump off the merry-go-round. I am clinging to God with weak fingers and am barely able to utter a prayer. I don’t believe that God’s hand is moving against us in judgement, but instead we are in a season of growth; painful as it is. Faith still guides me even in my blindness. Hope remains even in my weariness. And love persists even at the risk of condemnation.
Tonight, I ask for prayer that God’s will be done in our lives … not our own.