I’m pretty torn up right now. I’m angry with God, with my husband, and mostly with myself. My husband and I have made several prayerful decisions, and even after following what we believed God was directing us to do, the outcome is not one that I’m very happy with. I know that the path of the called is filled with blind faith and unwavering obedience. I guess I’m still growing in the application of both.
Well over a year ago we felt called into marriage ministry, and prayed for months about how we were supposed to do that. It led to a decision to leave my well-paid, high stress position and go out on my own doing graphic design and websites (filled with less pay and more stress). I worked a 3 month notice, and during that time everything seemed to align. Before I had even finished working my notice, I began picking up customers and my employer at the time retained me as a consultant for one day a week at a very handsome rate. So, it seemed as if everything was in proper alignment with God’s will and we were moving in obedience.
Soon after leaving, my husband lost his disability that was supposed to be permanent. We immediately began to apply faith that the purpose of our ministry was under attack, and despite the fear we pressed forward. Job application after job application – month after painful month – he has applied for so many different jobs. He found a position doing furniture installation, and even though his experience is in IT, he took that job to bring in something until a stable position came up. One did come up, but we chose against it because the schedule wouldn’t allow for us to be together as a family except 1 day a week, and it paid less than the furniture installation.
Over the past year, we have worked with countless couples individually, lead seminars, taught a men’s bible study, a women’s bible study and a marriage sunday school class. We have tithed, chose to give to others when we could and been available more than we probably should have been. I don’t regret any of that, and several of those things we are still doing. I didn’t expect a reward. Scratch that, yes I did. Not anything extravagant, but I did expect our needs to be met. I thought that our desire to serve God would somehow put us in a protective bubble and that we would be rewarded for striving to do the “right thing” even when it has been the hardest choice time and time again.
So, today it became painfully real that we are going to have to make a decision that will effect our entire family. It sucks, and that’s really the most polite way I can put it. As I said in the beginning, today I’m struggling. I am praying for God to reveal himself to my husband and I in a tangible way. I am praying for the feeling of abandonment to be replaced with hope. I am praying to hold on firmly to my faith, and to not waiver in the face of adversity.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33